Reality on a Stick

Strolling out to the car, which was waiting for us across from the park next to our old apartment back in Torrance, Dad–in his usual way–introduced a new rule (to his then 5-year-old son): “Don’t walk on the grass at night.” His voice was unfaltering, his countenance genuine, and his demeanor chock full of the appropriate parental guidance indicators, so I followed his instructions without a second thought and filed them away for later reference.

Fast forward to junior high. 12 years old and out with the bad kids, probably after sneaking out from spending the night at the designated residence of the week. On the prowl for a bit of trouble. Found myself feeling a tad restless and needing to do the pecking order thing, so I proceed to blindside one of my friends with an assault of words centering on how stupid he must be if he doesn’t even know better than to stay off the grass at night.

“Why should I stay off the grass?” he quickly, and quite rightly, challenged.

Uh oh.

Hadn’t counted on that.

Here we go again: hand in the cookie jar, and squirming to cut my losses. Worse still, I had already painted myself into a nice, deep corner by laughing and pointing and asserting my superior knowledge of grown-up rules. Yep, I was gonna have to cough up an answer this time around, or become the butt of all jokes for the evening–which I refused to leave as an option. Alright, gotta say something clever, and like, now.

“’cause you’re just asking for it…..”

I was stalling now, and about to be called on it. Heart pounding….panic starting to set in….gotta think quickly…..

“I mean, who knows what you’re going to step in over there. But whatever. Step in a big pile o’ dogshit if you want to. See if I care. ”

And there it was. The rationale behind dad’s rule:

—

(Spelled out explicitly)

Assuming the risk of stepping in excrement when there are other options available (i.e. the white and very reflective sidewalk) is incredibly short-sighted and immature.

(As a general rule to follow in all analogous situations)

It’s always best to have a clear view of the ground in front of you.

—

Way to come through again, Dad!

I didn’t understand the mechanisms then, but looking back I realize that there was a tone that Dad took from time to time, and at those moments I could put my full faith in the rationale behind his sage advice. I didn’t need to understand the history or odds of reliability. I could place my faith in the fact that it had been considered carefully and thoroughly, by someone who knew a whole lot more about the world than I did.

As I got older, I learned to produce life rules by myself. I like to think of it as manufacturing good instincts. I’d say that most of my successes in life can be traced back to the faith I put in the process of rule-setting, along with a heightened awareness of how and when to allow exceptions. (Hint: Rarely, and under extreme circumstances.)

Students and friends often ask me how to build authentic self-confidence, and this is what I tell them:

It’s simple.

Make a few decisions per day that you’ll probably never need to reconsider. It’s important to remove your emotions and make the decisions objectively, to ensure they are translatable to as many similar situations as possible. Remember that you are setting the parameters for guidelines that will likely carry you through the rest of your life. Don’t assume that most decisions must be made on a case by case basis and require heavy contemplation. In fact, most decisions are rather routine and can be generalized in order to reduce the brain work involved.

It may sound overly simplistic, but try it for while. Start making basic rules to live by that you know better than to go back on. Follow them strictly, and add to them regularly. Soon you will have a repertoire of procedures that have become second nature, guiding you through even the most mundane activities. Call it being a creature of habit. I call it being in the habit of acting with conviction. I don’t need to be second-guessing myself. This approach to the simple, unimportant everyday situations really works for me. More importantly, however, it frees my mind up to tackle bigger issues, such as reflection and improvement.

See A Father’s Words of Wisdom #1 here.
Technorati Tags: personal, quotes, happiness, life-coach, philosophy, human_nature, perspective, self-help, education, learning, autonomous_learning